Cliff Jump Faith

Do you ever feel like the same stuck places, weaknesses, prayers, or lessons come up again and again? I do.

The following excerpt from my journal the during the summer of 2008 right after I met Brendan reminds me that I’m still in progress. As I was scanning through my past blog posts for the content to compile into a couple of books, I realized how keenly it still matches my heart.

When will I learn?

Or is it a process of going deeper and deeper until the Lord has healed, delivered, removed, and transformed us into the best of who he created us to be?

We’re currently in a set of circumstances that centers on job, location, and house changes. A year ago, I sensed the Lord leading in a particular direction, but we’re still navigating what that direction looks like.

When? Where? How?

So when I saw this, it’s as if God grabbed hold of me and said “Look, I’m still working this out.” 

Do I feel drawn to continue this [this being the relationship with Brendan that we had only just embarked on] because I want to create something that isn’t possible, or because You have created something that through You is? It seems easy to say “Hey, just one e-mail at a time,” but my heart is getting dragged so quickly into it all. It’s not like I’m afraid of anything really–You have protected me in every situation.

I guess it’s just how quickly I jump once I believe I should. How does one take a slow descent (or ascent) instead?

I picture the Grand Canyon and flying off the edge – exhilaration, beauty, excitement, a good bit of fear and not really knowing for sure how I’ll land; or then there’s the mule ride in a slow descent to the bottom, still beautiful, fun, and a bit fear-inducing, but also slow and a little tedious or even boring.

I feel like this is both at the same time. One slow step at a time, but diving into the unknown and impossibilities. You have to take me only one step at a time when I want to jump and fly.

“I guess it’s just how quickly I jump once I believe I should. How does one take a slow descent instead?”

And there it is. When I sense God speaking, I tend to jump fast, headlong into “Yes, Lord!” But often, he’s trying to simply give me a glimpse, not a mandate. He has a good plan for something beautiful, but it takes a serious of small steps, behind-the-scenes development, and circumstances all falling into place in his perfect timing.

Do I jump? Yes. Do I take the slow, patient route? Yes.

God is a God of yes and amen. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

Is there a deeper process at work in me?

Ahh…there is the question. What does he want to show me? What do you want me to see or know about this, Lord?

For me, he’s also revealing that while I’m a jump to act kind of person, I also suffer from the very deep insecurity of not feeling safe. I know God is good. I love him and don’t fear death, but events from early in my life left me feeling powerless, helpless, with a sense of danger screaming in me. That still cries out whenever I’m faced with an unknown that I have no control over. Even when I know that I can trust God’s control.

He says “You are safe,” and I melt into tears. “I don’t feel safe. Show me what safe looks like.”

So while I’m ready to sail off the edge of a cliff into the impossibilities of God’s promises, the incremental steps of when, how, what will happen stir up that deeper fear of how will I be hurt in the jumping?

Not by God. He doesn’t hurt me. Well…if I’m honest, sometimes training, pruning, discipline hurts. But I’m no longer afraid of what he may “do to me.” He’s protected and provided for me over more than six decades, proving his steadfast faithfulness and love for me.

But what about other people I try to trust? What about entities that don’t care about who they hurt? What about the ongoing ramifications of events and circumstances I’ve suffered in my life? God was there. God has healed. God will hold to account those who cause suffering. And someday there will be no more pain when those who love the Lord will be in his presence.

In the meantime, I want to learn to trust more, rest more. Sit in the safety of God’s protective, loving arms in spite of how I feel. I choose to live by what I know. That he is good and has good plans. His perfect love casts away every fear and keeps me safe.